Men Without Their Wives at the Movies

The Northfield United Methodist Church men's movie-watching team was on the field again last night. The rules are simple but definite; I had to learn them many years ago, and now I pass them on to recruits.

1. The team or any willing member initiates a move to go see the movie; the movie must ordinarily be a Grade B or worse, but popular and explosive (i.e. loud noises, crashes, bright colors, etc.) movie. For example, last night we saw "Live Hard, Die Free", or was it "Live Large, Die It can be violent or funny, but it cannot be very romantic (this causes loss of interest) or sexy (this embarrasses us because we are a church group, after all, and the pastor is here).

2. You must go to a late showing on a week-night, after the kids are in bed, and with your wife's permission.

3. You buy a ticket, a popcorn and a pop. No foo-foo candy bars.

4. You must sit every other seat, or in different rows, at the theatre. It is not acceptable to sit in the chair adjacent to another guy in the group, unless the theatre is packed, which rarely happens at the movies we go to see.

5. You can talk before the movie, and horse around, and talk about the meaning of life or the meaning of the movie you are about to see before it starts. NO real conversation after the previews!

6. During the movie, you are not supposed to talk a lot, except to make fun of dialogue, plot holes, etc. It is also poor form to laugh at really loud, culminating, explosive moments in the movie (more on that later).

7. After the movie, you go stand in the lobby or parking lot for a couple minutes, saying stuff like, "That was pretty good." Or, "I don't know what that was all about." It is against the rules to discuss the movie much or to find meaning in it.

8. Drive home. Wake up your wife because you forgot to set your pajamas out when you left home earlier. Apologize. Go to sleep.

John Daniels and I had, as I said, to train four new guys for the "men without their wives movie night team", which is sponsored on an irregular basis by the Northfield United Methodist Church. Most of the four did okay, but they made a few mistakes. Our Administrative Council Chair, Tim Goodwin, suggested I should rate their performance here on a four-star scale. In the interests of privacy, I will only use initials. They know who they are. One was a "guest" from another church; I am sorry I invited the outsider. He did far worse than our own kind.

BA **** Went quietly to an appropriate seat with large popcorn and pop.
Laughed at the right times. Did not think much.

TG ***1/2 As above, except seemed to be puzzled by the way we do things.
May have been analyzing things, or wishing he was home with the
wife and kids.

TH **** As above. Threw part of his water bottle on me when I casually
put my left foot near his left ear, and my right foot near his
right ear from the seat behind him. This is appropriate team
behavior for men without wives at the movies.

JS *1/2 Lots of mistakes, some of them intentional. Sat next to me.
Ate some of my popcorn before I sent him to the lobby to
buy his own danged popcorn. Worst of all, laughed
uproariously at every shoot-out, martial arts scene, or
incredible chase-and-explosion scene. I think I also caught him
wondering about the meaning of it all once or twice.

If you wish to join the team, and are willing to go through an extended period of rigorous movie-watching training, please contact Pastor Clay Oglesbee, Northfield United Methodist Church at clay_oglesbee@msn.com